1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
