dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
