I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
