At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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