there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize