apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize