and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
