he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
