I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
