You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
