How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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