I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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