dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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