Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
