It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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