I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize