i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
