You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
