1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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