That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize