i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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