im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
