Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
