you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
