i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
