my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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