Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
