having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
