I smell stomach acid.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
