enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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