he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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