if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
