Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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