I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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