please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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