Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
