Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
