i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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