So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
