im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
