Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
