your parents love me but you hate me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize