did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
