When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
