You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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