just come out here and I will go home with you...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
