Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I love having hate sex.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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