glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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