Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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