I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just puked most of my soul out..
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