just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
