I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
