I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
me + whiskey = a bad person
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
