my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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