do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize