i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
