Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
