You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize