so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
